// Semblance of Reality \\ all of your thoughts

30.9.02

Ah... Smallville smut. *grin* The classics are always the best. 'Treat her like a lady'

the trick to getting what you want is knowing when to ask

9:43 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Arg. Studying.

8:28 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ok, Matt's our gr. 9 rep? Why don't I know this? Why was there like, no announcement? I mean, nobody knows anything! Jeez. So confused. :P This makes no sense. This is stupid. Stupid Matt.

7:33 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

There's supposedly a dance on the 17th. $5 bucks. 7-11. :P That's so, bleh. We'll see.

7:27 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Arrrg. So much homework/quizes/tests!! I just had a Science quiz, and we've got a unit test on Wedensday, and I've got a vocal quiz tomorrow. And a Family Studies unit test on the 10th. Uber arg. At least I've got a fun unit thing for French. We get to make webpages. Sadly, I've already finished the layout. I like it a lot. The layout I mean. And we've already started work on the content. That's fun. But I still gotsta do my stupid English hw which exactly what we did in class as groups, except now we hafta do it individually. Dammit all. At least that's not due til Friday. Procastination awaits! But first, vocal studying. -_-

6:56 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

29.9.02

Jeff's being a jerk. I don't know why, seems he's a little bitter about the fact that nobody visited his site, and trying to convince me of the same. Truthfully, visiters and guestbook entries are just the perks. Fact is, I simply like that my work is posted up, and that it has a place in the world. I like knowing that I created a site, that I worked hard, and this came out of it. I love :::Crimson Ink::: and it doesn't matter if no one visits. I guess it used to, but, it doesn't anymore. If I really wanted more visiters, I would submit to site directories, and put the trafficker code back up. But it doesn't really matter. *shrug*

I put up a new picture on CI today, 'Take What You Can Get', the picture that I had drawn during Vocal and lunch. I'm quite happy with it. *smiles* I even penned it after I scanned the pencil version. Penning's neat. I always worry that I'll ruin the picture though, because pen can't be erased. I scanned the penned version, but I'm not going to put it up.

I also *gasp* finished the About Crimson Ink page, and it's up. And lastly, I linked to Boy Meets Boy. That's it! So much work done today. I finished my homework before lunch too, and now I'm all free, except for studying. :P Stupid quizes. Oh well.

3:28 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

28.9.02

I think I'm gonna go get some sleep now.

11:29 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Frances Potter's 'Resolution' is really good. *grin* It was a great read. Yay!

11:20 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I stretched my hand out toward him, a fine trembling all over. I held out my hand to him, trust and fear and a thousand other emotions running through my hand. He looked at me, and his eyes were dark with emotion. He raised his hand, moving it towards mine, and I watched it in its path. Our finger tips touched, and I was jolted. He shifted his own hand, lacing his fingers with mine, tightening the grasp, and making me bite my lip, to keep the sigh inside. He brought the hand to his lips, his stormy eyes never leaving mine, and brushed the fingers ever so softly. I exhaled, shakily.

10:18 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Arg. This story, A Tower With A View, that everyone says is good, can't be found. It's like the author took it down, everywhere. :P This pisses me off. Oh well.

9:00 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I need to do my Family Studies. I started it, but I can't seem to get letters down, cause I don't want to draw them. So much work. :P

I want to read Harry Potter again. *grin*

5:54 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

never let go of what you have; never let it slip away
don't take for granted anything
life is so short
there's so much to be done; so much to be said
everything and nothing

4:36 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ok, for whatever weirdo reason, I can't seem to edit and republish that last post. Arg.

Journalistic
Unique
Loyal
Independant
Artistic
Nice
Agreeable/Academic

4:11 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

There we go. Four new poems in Crimson Ink. I just need to scan that picture of mine. I started it in Vocal class and finished it @ lunch. :)

Aw damn. I need to do Family Studies. Need to do an acrostic poem. :P

J aded [I can't find *anything* jeez; this is as good as I've got; it's either this, or Yvonne's jaunty; as if :P; oh, and she's just come up with jejune; yup, that's what I'll use]
Unique
Loyal [:P that's so stupid; but I can't think of something better; I sure as hell won't use lovable, and loved is pushing it a bit :P]
Independant
A theist [^_^' not that I'm using it)
N eurotic [not that I can use that either :P]
Artistic [it's more that I'm creative, but whatever]

3:43 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Eee! My monkey's finished. Marker lining's fun. *grin* I've got picture that I should scan, poems I should put into Crimson Ink. :P So much work, so much procastination.

3:13 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I know I failed you before.
I know I'll fail you again.
But for just this moment;
Can't we pretend?
Can't you hold me in your arms,
And let me believe,
That we could be together?
And you could just love me.

2:45 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ah... Boy Meets Boy. Makes colouring the evil monkey almost enjoyable.

2:04 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

K, much less depressed now. Though, who could stay depressed after reading Yoiko's humorfics, I don't know. Add that to about three months worth of Boy Meets Boy, again, and I'm positively... ok, no. I have to colour the stupid monkey. I mean, how the hell are you supposed to make a visual impact by colouring a monkey!! What else can you colour a monkey, but brown? :P So stupid. Mabel. Mabel the monkey. I should give him/her fingernails. It looks like a him. But Mabel's a guy's name. Right? Sure. Whatever. Stupid monkey. -_- Stupid math.

12:25 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

blurring the lines of reality; of truth; of love and hate [inspired by IP]

11:25 a.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ah, I knew it. Irrisistable Poison has me all depressed and bad-moody this morning. :P This sux. I didn't have breakfast. Partially cause I wasn't hungry, more because I didn't want to be in the room with the tv blasting and my little brother running around. -_- I finished my Science. I'm working on Math. I still have Family Studies. And a quiz in Science and Vocal. Dammit all. Stupid bad moods.

11:17 a.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I just finished Love Under Will, or at least, all that's there. Not bad, but IP was better. Sad, so damn sad, but better. *cries*

3:55 a.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Damn. God. I just finished Irrisistable Poison, a Harry/Draco fic. God. It was... amazing. And so, so sad. I had hoped, badly, that it would have ended happily. But. I lose this time. And now there's that painful tightness in my chest, that I need to get rid of, before I become depressed. There's nothing so heart-wrenching as an amazing story, who's ending is just so final, that it hurts. I wish... I wish.

1:58 a.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

27.9.02

*onethousandstars*

There's the link. Check it out if you'd like.

10:54 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Finished immortal bonds. Gonna start on once and again.

8:42 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ah, Friday. Finally. So much homework though. :P Been drawing today, finished one picture that I'm really happy with, and I'm working on another. I need to do hair. I also need to do:

*onethousandstars*
:::Crimson Ink::: about me page
and READ!! :P I'm not sleeping these days.

5:01 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

26.9.02

Just got back from 'Meet The Teacher' night. Not bad, all in all. We went through my entire day schedule, it was kind of amusing, with bells going off every 5 min. for us to change classes. Not bad, not bad.

I finished the layout and pretty much set-up of *onethousandstars* and started work on immortal bonds, which is the BtVS one. Gotta go register @ fateback for a new account, my crimsonink one can't hold this many sites. :P Ah well. School tomorrow.

9:27 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

It's gonna be named *onethousandstars* ^_^

4:30 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

looking to the sky

I've decided to make a 'shipper banners' site. Just cause, I couldn't find any Buffy/Angel shipper sites, and really, there are so few shipper banner sites out there. The ones with the banners that you can put up and stuff. I think I'm going to make one. The main page will just be a link page, with links to :

Immortal Bonds (BtVS) > once and again (Buffy/Angel)
SOAR [or] FLY with me (Smallville)
Enchanted BLiSS (Harry Potter)
lend me your wings (GW) > flyboys (yaoi [Duo/Heero; Trowa/Quatre; etc])

And other stuff. I'll think of them after I make them. ^_^ Or... ok, that made no sense.

4:09 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

25.9.02

Arg. Just found out, after having speculated, Cassandra Claire doesn't write Harry/Draco. I read like, for two hours last night, waitin' for H/D action. :P Second, I can't find Buffy/Angel shipper sites with buttons. :P Third, there was the fucking disgusting bug fucking giant mosquito in my room, and I don't know how the hell it got there, and it scared the hell out of me, and my skin is fucking crawling. You can tell how disturbed I am by the amount of foul language!! *glare* I'm pissed.

8:00 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

24.9.02

"Draco was wearing swimming trunks (did he own swimming trunks? Did he even have knees? --she had never seen them)" ahahaha. That's just great. Knees. Gotta find a guy who had knees.

[edit]"Good luck with that... dog... tragedy..." ^_^

9:33 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ahh, good times, good times. TV premieres, fanfiction, Boy Meets Boy, great stuff. *grin*

9:31 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Buuu~uufy!! *grin* High school. *grin* Fun.

9:11 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

"...when did the Boy Who Lived become The Boy Who Sulked?" eheheh. That's funny. Draco, about Harry.

8:57 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

It's oo~oover. ^_^ Now I just have to wait til like, 9, then go downstairs and pick up my Buffy tape. *grin* Yay!

8:54 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Jonathan and Lex have the same type of band-aid. It's funny. ^_^

8:46 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Dumdumdum. Lex just killed Nixon. Ah, murder for love. What Lex'll sacrifice for Clark. *grin*

8:42 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Oh no!!! Nixon!!! How could you?! You're gonna kill him!!!

8:40 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ok, why the hell are there meteor rocks in every fucking part of the town?! O.O;; As someone once said, everybody and their uncle's pet mongoose has a supply of kryptonite. -_-;; Jeez.

8:30 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

In bed with Lex Luthor?! *smirk* That was Mr. Kent, about Roger Nixon, the reporter. "I did want to get out, but that was before I knew I knew you were in bed with Lex Luthor. I won't let the two of you 'destroy' Clark!" ahahah. It's great. But now Lex and Clark have had a spat. *sniff*

8:18 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ahaha, lookit that cut. Common Lex.

8:11 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Smallville!!!!!

8:00 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I just saw the Tempest, the season finale of Smallville (a la Lisa, who burned the ep. onto disc for me ^_^). Jezus, talk about cliffhangers. Lex looked so evil!! With the blood, and the eyes. You know, that's not technically accurate. For that much blood, to be surrounding his eye like that, it would have had to been a large cut almost half way around it, for the rest to drip and incircle it. For that image to occur, the most likely thing would be that his eye popped. And obviously, that didn't happen. :P It was a great ep though. The sexual tension between Clark and Lex was almost palpable with the bow in the barn. Lex: "...no matter what happens in the next few days, I want you to know that I consider myself your 'friend' (*suggestive leering*) Clark, and I hope you feel the same way..." *grin* That's great. Like that tie comic, with Harry and Draco. The comic's here. It's so funny. Anyways, now I have great tv to look forward to tonight. The premiere of Smallville, and of Buffy, which I'm taping and watching right after. Although, I don't know if the Angel premiere is tonight as well. I don't wanna miss that. Hmm... what to do...

The best thing is, all my homework is done, so, no worries, today, or tomorrow. Life's good. I am no longer depressed, at all. *grin* Leee~eeex. XD Oh, I almost forgot too, Smallville's been moved to ch. 7. Mustn't forget that. Buffy's still on 20 I think. Making sure now. And the last premiere I must catch is Alias, which I know for a fact is on the 29th.

And now that I have all this free time, I'm gonna go read Harry/Draco slash. I really should finish Soul Of The Fire. I've had it for like, four weeks now. :P

6:15 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

23.9.02

I just finished Boy Meets Boy, or at least, read all the comics til today. Now I have to wait, everyday, for a new one. -_- I'm sad.

9:40 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Boy Meets Boy : best web comic strip in the world. About Mikhael and Harley, gay couple, and their lives. It's great. Funniest thing in the world. And they're so sweet. Ah, and Skids. Adorable, oblivious Skids, who has no clue that his and Harl's mutual, 'hetero' friend has the hots for him. *grin* Cy/Skids shipper, all the way!! *grin*

7:44 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

22.9.02

Ahh, Draco/Harry slash. ^_^

8:09 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ooh, I just got the coolest Gutter Trash banner and member submission. It's Harry/Draco fanart, really good too. If you go to Gutter Trash under misc banners you'll see it. It's really cool. Now I want to read Harry/Draco fanslash. :P

7:27 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

It's 6.27 right now. All my hw is done, including the extra Geo colouring. *sigh* School tomorrow. :P I think that the Emmy Awards are tonight though. Gonna try to catch those. Yeah. Other than that, nothing spectacular. Oh, except that my dad brought back a headset for my comp, but it's not working. :P

6:29 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I *started* up the 'About Crimson Ink' page, but then I had to do some stuff for Jeff, and then lunch came around, so... :P

1:24 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Finally. All weekend, I keep saying I'll do my English homework, but it never gets done. Jeez. But yeah, now it's done, and I'm free. I've got a volunteer awards thing @ the civic center that I'm going to @ 2 today. It's like, to award people who have volunteered around the community. Even though I've only done it twice. I like volunteering for big events though. It's fun. I'm going to go read more slash. I finished the set with Divergence in it. It's not finished. :( That makes me sad. You know what else is sad? Lasha hasn't done anything with Street Of Dreams for ever. I mean, she finished three giant ass multiparts, but Street Of Dreams just sits there. *sigh* I should read Lilias's 'Beyond The Limit Of The World'.

I keep meaning to make an 'about the site' page for Crimson Ink. I think I'll do it today, before I get all blehy and forget.

12:32 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

21.9.02

Aww, I feel so loved. :) Thanks Lisa.

9:16 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

It's been a full day. And I think I'm better. Except that everytime I think back to it, my heart skips. I mean, shit, I really do have issues. But I think I'll be better. I think. I hope. *watery smile* I have two new shirts though, so I've had a happy shopping trip.

Piece of advice. Never eat four krispy kreme doughnuts if you hope to eat dinner that night. :P Ah well. Fanfiction it is.

9:12 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

20.9.02

It's raining. A thunderstorm. And I can feel my heart stop every time the lightening flashes, every time the thunder crashes, and there are times when I wish it would stop for real. And the rain's pounding down on my chest, pounding down on my soul, and I want to drown in it. Want to drown in it, and let it clean me, let it wash me away. Soak through to the ground, and then I'll be gone. Gone with the rain. With the wind. With the rest of the world. I can feel the rain in my heart. Answering the beatings outside. And I just want to be gone.

9:43 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I'm blind. Staring at the past, at the future, and I'm blind, blind with the light of the pain the horror the despair the dying dying dying. My eyes bleed red and I can't see can't see can't see. I'm blinded by the blood the bloodred blood and it's everywhere it's on my hands on my face on my body my dying body and bleeding on you and you're dying and dying and bleeding and my blood's bleeding on you and there's no stop. I put my hands up to my face, but they're so red so much meat, nothing. Just nothing. I can't close my eyes, all I see is red. I'm blinded.

9:04 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

A world created by dreams... except that the dreams have become nightmare, and we're trapped in the world we created. Because the dreams aren't enough anymore, were never enough, and now they've turned against us. And we're trapped. There's no leaving, no lying, no giving it up. Because the worst nightmares are the ones that are real. The ones that we face day in day out until we can't face them any more, and we turn to our dreams... but the dreams are the nightmare, and there's no line in between, and no way to escape. No place to hide, no place to go, come with me.

8:58 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

God. I really do have Issues. Issues with a capital Fucking I. Capital I-fucking-S-S-U-fucking-E-S. Jesus. I cried. I cried because I missed the finale. And I still feel like crying. Because by god, I was fucking waiting for it. And fuck it, then all I wanted was a fucking chocolate rice-crispy square, and my fucking mom wouldn't let me have any. Fuck it all to fucking hell. I hate it all. All I wanted was Smallville. And the fucking hope that somebody taped it. Somewhere. God. I hate this. I cried when I couldn't have my chocolate. Because all I wanted was to feel high for a moment. God. When they talk about fucking hormones and mood changes, they had no clue. Fucking god, all I have to cling to right now is my fucking illusions. And even the place in my mind isn't making me better. The stupidest, fucking stupidest things fuck me off. Jesus. All I wanted. All I fucking wanted. But I don't get to have what I want. Never. Not what I really want. And for today, all I wanted was Smallville. But I couldn't even have that. Couldn't even fucking have that. Jesus. I just want to cry. But I've already done that. Just want to lie down in the dark and do nothing, nothing, nothing, and cry. Because I have issues. FUCKING ISSUES. And I feel like I've lost everything, when all I've lost is my FUCKING SMALLVILLE FINALE. GOD, what is wrong with me? Somebody tell me, and somebody fix it, and somebody, god, somebody give me a tape of the Smallville finale, cause that's all I really want. All I fucking really want.

8:17 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

GOD I HATE FUCKING CITY TV ALL I WANTED TO WAS TO WATCH THE SEASON FINALE IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!

5:50 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

FUCKITFUCKITFUCKITFUCKITFUCKITFUCKIT
FUCKITFUCKITFUCKITFUCKITFUCKITFUCKIT!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!

5:43 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

FUCK IT! FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT!!!!!! I WAS FUCKING LOOKING FUCKING FOWARD TO CATCHING THE SEASON FINALE TONIGHT, AND FUCK IF I MISSED IT ON TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5:39 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Smallville's not on tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you dare tell me they changed it to tuesdays and I missed the finale. Don't you DARE!!!!!!!

5:36 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ok, it's like, 5.30 and homework must be done. Soon as I check tvguide.ca to make sure Smallville's on tonight.

5:33 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

When I'm depressed, I'm seriously uber-depressed. Maniac-depressed. Obsessive-compulsive depressed. But when I'm cheerful, it's extremely disturbing how much of a hyper-freak I become. I begin to have Issues when I'm in a mood. I'm not sure which mood yet. But Juliana has Issues becomes the topic of the talkshow. Oh yes.

5:00 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

OOh!! There's a sequel to Divergence. Better yet, three sequels!! Wee! Good story. And evil clone Lex, out to kill Lex-Lex, and if I'm reading the foreshadowing right, screw Clark to kindom-come. *grin* And, there's a pretty cover for it too. Scary evil-Lex lookie person, and adorable sexy Lexy-Lex. And no, I don't have issues. At least, not to this. The other issues I'll agree to, but I don't have issues with my words and nouns and pronouns. That's Clark, and his pronoun game. :P Ok, I do have Issues. I'm going to stop talking now, and wait for them to come lock me up.

4:56 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

He'd definitely have done it anyway, because Clark Kent inevitably put Lex Luthor in touch with his inner idiot.

Clark slid down to lie on the bed beside Lex. It wasn't really big enough for two, but Lex didn't seem to mind. Clark didn't mind either. (aww)

"...a black shame I shall carry to my dying day. To my grave I will carry it."
"Fine. I'll buy you a wheelbarrow."

'I am Lex Luthor; to kill me, please insert bomb in tailpipe.'

"Do you have cricket issues or something?"
..."Pinocchio is a sociopath."
..."He kills the cricket in chapter four."
"He kills the cricket?"
"Oh, yes. And then he goes right on making an omelet like nothing happened."
"That's ridiculous. Pinocchio would not kill the cricket."
"What makes you say that?"
"Because he doesn't kill the cricket! The cricket's alive and singing his heart out at the end."
"In your version."
"Okay, fine. How exactly does he kill the cricket?"
"He hits him with a hammer." (ahahah, that's great)

4:41 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Divergence is a really good fic. I mean, even though the plot's slightly unbelievable, it works. And the characterizations and everything are great. Go read. I mean, it's lines like this:

"My house. You remember my house? Where there's heat and food and nobody trying to kill you?"

That make it funny. And yet so sweet.

4:18 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ah, Smallville slash is just wonderful. And I should do my English homework. It's just 4 questions. Not hard work at all. And yet I'm putting it off. Tsk, tsk.

3:54 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I just had a craving for Digimon slash. :P LoL. And then I watched 'The Reaper' (Smallville) again, and was all Lex-seduced. ^_^

2:13 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

19.9.02

Ah jeez. Jeff. Cute, and funny, and shy. And I'll never get a chance. -_- Cause that's my life. My love life is non-existant. Nothing works for me. But hey, I can pine. Or whatever.

11:30 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ooh! Tripod's working for me 'gain! Yay!!!! Big yay!

8:01 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Aww fuck. Tripod's not working for me. I thought that this was over. But apperently it's back. For some reason, Tripod won't work for me.

7:30 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I had so much fun today. There was a Classics Club meeting this aftermoon, and movie night too. There was me and Lisa and Iris and Chris M and Matt and lots of other ppls there, and Classics sounds like so much fun. And then we watched Jason And The Argonauts, and me and Lisa made witty comments all through the movie. *grin* It was a ton of fun. And at the end, we kept making bunny fingers in front of the projector. And for like, 3 bucks, we got pizza and pop and two-bite brownies(!) and oreos and everything. It was great. An amusing movie, good food, and friends. What more can you ask for. Classics Club is so much fun. *grin*

7:25 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

18.9.02

And that was my truly mangled songfic of 'Running Away' by Hoobastank. I was listening to that song, over and over, and I couldn't get the image of her head in her hands, out of my own head. I started a lot of times before this came out properly. The song's been totally mangled, cut at all the wrong places, to make it fit the story. I've got one verse, one chorus, and then the other bit.. bridge? I dunno. No. Bridge is the intrumental break. I don't know what to call that part. But, there it is. The story kinds of works with a Superman complex. If you hadn't figured that out already. Little story line in my head, but, that's where it'll stay, thank you very much. Because it's much too complicated to be anything other than a fantasy of mine.

9:27 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me

She sat alone in the shadowed booth, her head cradled in her hands. The silent shudders were a testimonial to her heart-wracking tears. She trembled constantly, clutching herself, trying to hold herself tighter. Keep the rest of the world out. All she wanted had been to keep him safe. She hadn't wanted to lie to him. She had wanted to tell him the truth. Honestly she had. But she didn't want him hurt. Except that, it hadn't worked out the way she had wanted it. And now they both hurt. She was broken with the pain, and all she could do was cry.

You never gave us a chance to be

He stood in the window, staring in at her, watching her shake. She was crying. The one thing he wanted to do, more than anything, was just take her in his arms, hold her, and tell her it would be alright. But he couldn't. He was broken too. Broken inside, from despair, and from betrayal. She had lied to him. And it hurt. The truth was that he could accept what she was. It was she who couldn't. She couldn't accept herself. All he had wanted was to be there for her. To stand by her side. He would have given her anything. Everything. But she had pushed him away. In an attempt to save him. Except that he was standing here, and he was more hurt than anything the world could have thrown at him.

And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright

He had wanted to be there. To stand with her. He didn't understand. He didn't know what it was like. And she didn't want to share. To share made it all the more real. It wasn't alright. It was hard, so hard. And she never wanted him to be there. Ever. He didn't understand. She sobbed once more, and tucked her head closer to her body, her fingers digging into her skull, trying to drive out one pain with another.

I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

Why are you running away?

He watched her pull herself inwards, winced as he watched her in pain. All he had wanted was the truth. He had known, she had been hiding. And he loved her enough, loved her too much, to let her keep it from him. He hadn't expected that she would be hurt from it. He hadn't meant to hurt her. He could never hurt her. It hurt himself too much. It was true, the truth hurt. And it wasn't him that couldn't handle it, it was her. He would never have hurt her with the truth. He just hadn't expected her to do it. He would have done anything to keep that from her. And now here they were, both alone, both breaking. She had turned away from him, gone running into the night. And she was still running. But the fault was his, that he hadn't gone after her. He didn't understand. He just couldn't understand, with the pain pounding in his head.

Why are you running away?

She was hiding. She knew it. She was trying, desperately to hide from herself. To get away. She hid from him. She ran from him. Because she couldn't, wouldn't place him in danger. All she could do was run. She wished, so bad, that he was just here, just here to hold her. Because for this instant, this instant she just wanted it all to go away. She just wanted to pretend, pretend that nothing was real. That she wasn't special. Wasn't chosen. Wanted to pretend that he was still there, still holding her. Still loving her.

Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind

He didn't know who's fault it was anymore. Didn't care. It was both of them. They had hurt each other. They had promised that they would do no such thing. And yet, he stood there, tears careening down his cheeks, watching her. He had tried, so hard, to make her see his way. To make her change her mind. Make her understand. She had heard none of it. Or maybe she had heard all of it. And didn't care. Didn't want him. That thought wrenched a shuddering gasp of pain from his lips. He bit his lips, and closed his eyes tight, so tight.

Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?

She knew it was her fault. Knew that she had pushed him away. But she wished that he had understood. Understood why she had done it. She had tried to get him to listen. Tried to make him understand. Understand that to have him in that part of her life was something she never, ever wanted. Never wanted to hurt him that way. But it was all for nothing. He hadn't understood. So she had walked away. No, she had run. She had run from him, because she didn't want to listen to him. Listen to him tell her that he would do anything. Because she believed it. And it would be that, that would take him away from her.

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away? ...
What is it I've got to say...

So why are you running away? ...
To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?

He wished she would understand.
She wished he could understand.
He would do anything to be with her.
She would do anything to keep him away.
He had said everything.
She had said nothing.
He knew she was afraid.
She was so afraid.
Only he didn't know why.
Only she knew why. She was afraid. So afraid. For him. And so she ran away.
And he couldn't run fast enough. Couldn't keep with her. Because he didn't understand. He didn't understand her fear.
She didn't want to loose him. So she left him.
He never wanted to loose her, but she had left him behind.

And they were both running away.

9:21 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I just remembered a dream I had last night. It was kind of depressing. For some reason, my dad went out and adopted this little girl, named Melissa. My mom didn't know about it until my dad brought Melissa home, and she was gonna be my sister. But, my mom's never been comfortable about adoptees. She's always said she would never be able to love them as much, because she knows they're adopted. So, my mom's kind of silently fuming, and my dad's being all nice to Melissa, and I'm trying to placate my mom and be nice to Melissa at the same time, cause she's all, doesn't want to be here and shit. And it was really frustating, and depressing. And weird. Just bad weird. :P

7:31 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Finally finished Bridlewood. And to think, I thought that 'Lena was becoming sensable, when she turns around, and is all weird. Now the choice is, what to read. Finish CotW? Or just read a short Smallville fic. Seeing as I need to make dinner. Actually, I should probably do that now. Or not eat. You know, whatever. I should probly go make something. I'll pick a Smallville, then go downstairs.

6:41 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Oh for god's sake. Pissed off right now, cause Claire and Devin in my Sci. group... they're pissing me off. I hate being the one that does all the work in a group. Jeez. We're presenting tomorrow, and neither of them have the script. I emailed it to them, but apperently neither of them have gotten it. They couldn't have checked their emails two days ago and told me, no. Now I have to waste paper and shit to print them out copies, when I had specifically emailed it to them. God jesus. Add that to the fact that they were pissing me off all Geography, and I was being a sarcastic bitch. For god's sake, even if they don't care about school and shit, you'd think they'd be considerate of the rest of us. No. God. At least Carl shut up when I told him to. Which really, really surprised me. I would think that the others would, but not him. And Devin just keeps fucking talking. He's really pissing me off. I just had a bad day. Jesus. At least I finished all my homework, and Friday's a PA day. Which means anything that was assigned today (Math) would be due Monday. Which means I didn't do it. But I finished my English and my *glare* Science. And I had no Family Studies or French hw. Just the cheque. God. I'm gonna go finish Bridlewood. I started pt. 57 this morning, but I had to go school.

OH! And to add to my anger, stupid fucking Matthew, after all the work I did, uses someone else's copy!!!! Jesus!! Does no one appriciate the things I do for them?! God.

5:48 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

17.9.02

Stupid Matthew. Just cause he won't go to Miss Corry to get another copy of the word search, he asks me to scan it. And duh, my scanner's not working, so being the kind (read stupid) person that I am, I decided to type it up for him. Do you know how tedious typing up a 15 x 15 grid word search is? Jeezus. :P Stupid Matthew.

9:17 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

unholy & demonic forked eyebrows - ahahah. This was used to discribe Treize. And it's oh so funny.

8:43 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I just saw the music video for Save Me. It's on Remy Zero's site. I've finished all my homework. I'm gonna go read Bridlewood. And talk to Jeff. Jeff's cute.

8:30 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Theme song. That's the word for it. This site has the lyrics for Save Me btw.

7:01 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Chloe, Alexandra, and Faith. Those are cool names. If I have girls, I'd like them to be named that. I used to have this little fantasy, that I'd have a son, named Tyler, and then adopt triplets, and name them Faith, Joy and Hope. I realise that being named like that would most probably get them teased for life, so I've switched to Chloe, Alexandra, and Faith. And oh! Save Me's playing on my Winamp now! But anyways, that's what I would like for my children to be named. If I didn't have triplets, my first choice would probably be Chloe, then Faith, then Alex. But Tyler would probably be my choice for a guy. Either that or Alexander. Or Kelvin. Cause then I could call him Kel. LoL. Actually, Kelvin wouldn't be a good son name. But it would make a great friend name. 'Cept that's what Kelly's for. I call her Kel all the time. LoL. By the way, if you haven't already guessed, Chloe and Alex are both from Smallville. Faith's from Buffy. I've always had Faith as a name, and then Chloe just appealed to me, but I couldn't think of a third. And then I thought, I wanted something to represent Lex. And I thought about Lexi, and Alexi, but I finally stopped on Alexandra, cause I have a friend named that too. Well, more aquantance than friend. Yeah. And that's my future goal. To have triplets named Chloe, Alexandra and Faith. :P Or maybe just a daughter named Chloe Alexandra. Or Alexandra Chloe. Whatever. I need to do my English. :P And make dinner. Or rather, heat up two frozen dinner and toss some salad.

6:27 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I'm again, supposed to be doing my homework. But hey! At least I finished my Math before I came on. And I just now finished my Science. I just need to get to my English, which is like, easy. You know, the cello (?) part in St. Lawrence River by David Usher, the four note section (I think they're going up by one note increments?), sounds a lot like part of the intro music to Angel. It's a really, really nice bit. Also, I now have Save Me on my harddrive!! Woo! Save Me is the intro music to Smallville btw. My parents are going out to dinner tonight, and I really should got check on my brother. In fact, I'll go right now.

Back. And listening to David Usher. Right at the intro there's a line of that four noter. It's really quite pretty. I think that's the main reason why I like the song. Watch Angel and you'll understand. It's such a gorgeous song. Tonight's the Buffy season finale by the way. A lot of season finales are this week. And then next week will be the premieres. I had the premiere for Alias written down somewhere. But I don't remember now.

If it takes an eternity, I will make amends.

I'll make this whole world shine for you.

These don't belong to me, but they're such nice lines, that I've somewhat edited for my purposes.. The first is from the Angel book series, the second from Save Me, by Remy Zero, the Smallville intro. You know, there's a name for the intro song, I just don't remember it. Ah well. I still need to finish Bridlewood. This upsets me. :P

6:08 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

16.9.02

I just finished Trivial. It was funny. *grin* And now I need to re-study. :P And take a bath. Heh, and continue weirding out Nick. Discussing the merit of swords and omnisexuality. *rolls eyes* He's such a guy. Everything sexual has to be about fucking. :P

9:46 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I found out what WASP means btw. You know how in the AB:VH books, she's always talkin' bout how Edward was the epitome of WASP breeding? Well, Geo today taught me White Anglo-Saxon Prodistant. Which is what WASP stands for. You know, straight whiteness. Although, I always thought blonde hair blue eyes was supposed to be Nordic. Whatever.

By the way, I'm on like, part 31 of Trivial. There's like, 59. Funny though. But I'm never gonna get through to Bridlewood. And I'll need to re-study. Cause I'm thinking omnisexual isn't one of our vocab words. ^_^;;

8:51 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I still haven't finished my math. :P But, I'm gonna go finish reading Trivial first. That and I'll try for Bridlewood. :P

7:53 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

White Oleander. I just saw the trailer for it. I want to see it. It actually sounds really good. It's the kind of movie that no, you don't want to see in a theatre, because, it's a movie that you really want to think about, the kind of movie that you rent home every year just to cry over it again with you friends. You can check out the site if you'd like. Or read the book. Oleander is a flower by the way.

7:35 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Apperently I'm timing Jeff do his math homework. It is now 6.37 :P

Pause at .49. Jeff did all of question one instead of just A and C, so that's 12 minutes divided by 6 questions. Only two were supposed to be done, so lets make it 4 minutes so far. And we'll restart the timing @ 6.50

Question 3 done @ .53, so it's now been 7 minutes.

7.16, the last reply posted. That's when he was done. So that's what, 30 minutes? Yeah.

6:36 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I should do my math homework. I've done everything else. And it should be simple math homework. Really, I should be doing it. But you know, reading and internet surfing just seems so much more appealing. :P

5:29 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I'm almost almost almost done Bridlewood. I'm on part 54, and there's like, only 4 more parts to go, or something like that.

5:15 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I've edited the moved page, not that anyone will see it. :P If you go to the old url you'll see it. The new url by the way, is http://semblance.enacre.net.

5:14 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

15.9.02

I've moved Semblance, and the layout is up. :P Stupid Lisa, complaining about the slowness.

9:38 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I saw Swimfan today. All in all, it was an alright movie. Plot was good, Madison's character portrayal was great. I love the scene when she's just screaming, over and over again, at Ben to tell him that he loved her. But some parts of it sucked. Like, for example, the end scene, where Ben's going on with his life. I mean, what the hell? It sucked, big time. What were they trying to portray, that even though the Madison trial was over, life wasn't all hunky dorey? Well, if that was it, they sucked at it. Madison's character was really good though. And I liked the scene when Amy slapped Ben. But mostly, I just like Madison. And that bit where she's yelling at Josh to come back, as if her bitchy commands would make him turn around. Great character portrayal. And if you haven't seen the movie, you'll have no idea what I'm talking about. ^_^;;

8:41 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Standing at the window, I watch, transfixed, at the tree below me, shuddering in the wind. It glows, an etheral green-white glow, the rain on its leaves reflecting the street light just a driveway away. I stand there, with the lights off, watching the rain pellet down, watching as the continuous flashes of lightening illuminate the neighborhood. It fasinates me, how the wind can just pick up sheets of rain and float them in the air, like fabric on a breeze. I love the colour the sky turns when the lightening flashes, a cornflower grey blue, not the black of night sky at all, but something beautiful and wonderous. Almost like the essence of the light is bleeding into the sky, like feeding quicksilver to the night and making it glow. I've always loved lightening; I'm just not so comfortable with thunder. There it goes again, the sky pausing like a movie screen freeze, in that beautiful silvery blue. Perfect. It's always a different shade, the sky, depending on the strength of the lightening I guess. If I close the door to my room, there's no light but that of the windows, and just a thin, crack of an outline at the door. And then my entire room flashes in silver, with the sky. Illuminating and contrasting, throwing sharp corners into light, and giving depth to the shadows. The storm is cooling down, but I still stand by my window, staring out at the sky in it's silver blue perfection.

Not so much a story, as an honest solioquy. I was just staring at the sky last night, during that thunderstorm. And it's true, I do love the colour that the sky turns at lightening. It's beautiful. Etheral. I'm probably spelling that wrong. :P Ah well.

7:32 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

14.9.02

I think I should combine Smallville slash smut nighters with afternoons of constant Westlife music more often.

Different music does different things to us all.

6:10 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I told Lisa that I would do my homework, but a story couldn't write itself. Except that it can. It did. I think I fully understand what they mean; there's nothing to writing, just open a vein. I think I pored more of myself into this story than any other, barring perhaps Maybe and Selfish(?). It's scary to me, because I've never written something so passionately.

I'm between names. 'A Promise Made By Sunset' or 'Almost Innocent'.

5:34 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

"Come watch the sunset with me," she said. Does she realise what she's saying? Doesn't she remember our promise? Or is she trying to tell me what I've known all along? We were almost innocent, those long years ago. When we made a pact.

She came to me crying her heart out, came to me with the trust that only best friends had, the trust that I would make everything alright. The sun was setting when she told my why her heart had broken; and who had broken it. We sat under the fiery skies, and I listened to her share her pain, knowing that I could never do the same. At the end of it all, she turned to me and said, "I'm so glad you're here." And then she looked up at the sky and told it, "I will never share the sunset with someone I don't love. When I meet him, I promise we'll watch the sunset together." And she smiled her sweet, heart wrenching smile at me. "We can make it a pact. We'll only ever share the sunset with the one we love." I didn't tell her that I had already fulfilled this promise; right then, with her.

And now she was asking me to watch the sun set with her. Did she understand what it meant to me? Maybe it was just her way of saying she was sorry that we had drifted apart. Her way of saying she still loved me. Even though it was the love that only best friends shared. "Common," she coaxed, and I went along. She always had a honeyed tongue. I wished I could taste it, just once. But it would be like a betrayal to her. And I would, could, never, ever hurt her.

So I let her lead me to an isolated hill, in the middle of the park, and we sat, side by side. She stared at the sky, and I stared at her. She had changed, but she hadn't. She was still the innocent girl that trusted me beyond anything; but the five years apart had seen her grow into a beautiful young woman. The eyes that used to seem too big for her face were now inticing, fitting her heart shaped face. Her beautiful blonde locks were straight as a pin down her back, and I couldn't resist brushing a hand against the smoothness of her hair. She just turned and smiled at me. I smiled back weakly when she leaned into my arm. "I've missed you," she told me, staring back into the sky. The sun that held her attention was nothing to me but the light that framed her. "Me too," I whispered, more than you know. I tentatively rested the rest of my arm over her shoulders, and she just cuddled into the embrace. It reminded me of younger times, when we shared space often, and it wasn't yet awkward for me. It was awkward now. I was cautious in every movement, and each of hers made me fear that she would pull away in betrayal, or worse yet, disgust. Because, I couldn't love her. Everything I felt for her was wrong, in the eyes of the world. It was wrong for me to love her. Except that I did, with all my heart; it didn't matter what was wrong and what was right.

And right now, I was as close to heaven as I could imagine. But some sadistic part of my mind wanted to know why. I just couldn't leave it alone. "Why are you back? Why did you look for me?"

She tilted her head, as if putting deep thought into my queries. "I missed you," she finally said, simple as that. "After all, you're the one I can always depend on, right?"

The dependable one. The best friend sort. Never the lover. No, because lovers weren't dependable. Lovers were passionate and intoxicating and impulsive. Sometimes I didn't know which really was better. "So, why are we watching the sun set?" I asked; because I needed to know. Five years away from her, and I still yearned for her body. Worse yet, I lusted for her heart. Because a lover I could find, a lover could be replaced (even though I had never had her), but a love, that was something no amount of money or disillusion could replicate.

"Why?" She turned to the sky, the reds and oranges slowly fading to beautiful purple hues. Like the hue her eyes became, when she was impassioned. "Why do you think?" she asked, turning to me. Her eyes were deep wells of violet, and I was startled into silence. I could not remember a time when she had looked at me with such intensity.

"I don't know," I choked out, my body tensed. It was painfully obvious to me that my arm was still around her shoulders, and every touch of her flesh was like fire under my skin.

"We made a pact once," she said thoughtfully, turning her gaze to the sky again. There was a tone to her voice that was almost amused. "We made a pact, to never share a sunset with any one other than the one we loved." She turned to me again, pausing, looking for confirmation. I nodded stiffly. Apparently, it was enough to satisfy her, and she continued. "It was a silly pact," she said, matter of factly. I just blinked. "I mean, we were kids then, naive, and I thought my heart was broken."

I stared at her, and her face looked perfectly serious. Only her eyes gave away emotion. You did break your heart, I told myself, and her. But it was a child's heart, and easily broken. Fragile. I can tell now that yours has become much stronger. But mine? Is my heart strong enough to handle this?

"But still, it was a nice idea," she said with a rueful smile. It was the only face of familiarity that I could find in her. It was the same smile she gave to me when we were children, and in more trouble than we realised. "Sharing the sunset with your one true love. Have you yet?" she asked, and there was something supiciously like despiration in her eyes. I didn't know what to tell her. That I had fufilled the pact in the moments it had been made? I didn't want to hurt her, and I was afraid that I couldn't give her what her eyes seemed to be asking for.

"Yes." I finally answered. She smiled, and looked away, but I had seen her face fall. "What about you?" I asked her, wanting to hope that she had, that she had found someone, someone who could love her properly.

"I guess I have," she breathed, her voice so soft, I wasn't sure I had even heard it. "But... I didn't know it then," she confessed. "And now, I guess it's too late." She sighed, and I wanted nothing more than to make her smile again. She looked up at my face, and told me, "at least I can share the sunset with someone I love now," a long pause, "my best friend." She turned away, and I thought that I saw a tear.

Could this be happening? I just didn't, couldn't believe it. For so long, I had loved her from a distance. I never imagined a chance like this. But what if I was wrong, what if I was so, so wrong? It was a chance that I couldn't take, but one that I just couldn't waste. My blood ran cold at the thought of it all being a misinterpretation. All I wanted was for her to be happy. The sun was almost invisible, only a thin slice appearing above the horizon. If I made a mistake, at least I could say I had this one moment with her. So I made up my mind.

I called her name softly, and watched as she turned to me. Her eyes blinked repeatedly, and through the fading light, I saw the tear sparkle down her cheek. I lifted my finger to her face and caught the tear, all while she watched me with her woeful indigo eyes. I stared at the water droplet for a second, fasinated by the way it held its shape. Slowly, almost unconsciously, I brought it to my lips, felt it slip onto my skin, moistening the dryness there. I looked back at her face, and I knew that she saw in my eyes what I was feeling. Please, don't let her pull away, I preyed silently. Sliding my arm from around her shoulders, I placed my hand reverently on her cheek, matching the gesture with my other hand. Cradling her face, she looked at me, something desperate and unfimiliar, - carnal - in her eyes. Slow, so slow, I brought my face up in front of hers, and brushed her lips with my own. They were soft, so soft, much more so than I had fantasised. "I shared the sunset," I whispered into her face, "with the one I loved," I paused, staring at her features, trying to memorize them, "the day we made that pact," I finished, letting it sink in. "I fulfilled my promise the day I made it," I told her.

She sighed shakily, and the tears were flowing anew. In a fluid motion, she crashed into me, arms almost painfully tight around my body. "I love you, so much," she shuddered. "And I never knew."

My hands transfered to her back, and I was stroking it soothingly, up and down. "I love you too, so much; you wouldn't believe it."

She raised her head to stare at my face, and said, through her tears, "I believe it."

We made love that night, for the first time, as the sun went to rest and and our lives began again. We were, in that moment, almost innocent, in our love for each other, our unbreakable trust.

End.

And that is that. Wow. Up to interpretation, but, if you know me, you know what I was implying about our main character. i wrote that, spur of the moment, all in one. I don't think I've ever done that. But the idea just came to me. The promise of watching the sunset with the one you loved isn't all mine, but, it was that first line that turned this out. I'm amazed. And incredibly happy. I hope you liked it. I know I do. See, I can write good stuff when I'm not depressed too.

5:15 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Currently my desktop style appearance is XP's olive green. -_-;; It's just slightly hidious. The only reason I'm using it is because it matches the desktop. You'll see that the screen shot is still using silver. I was too lazy to re-screen shot it. But trust me, it's green. Olive green.

I have olive undertones.

Lex is hot.

So is Michael Vartan.

The season finale of Smallville should be next week.

3:41 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

that lack of homework getting done is my internet anti-drug

living out my fantasys

I want to spend the night, just to get a taste

All I want to do is taste you

Ok, you know I've been reading too many Smallville fanfiction PWP's when this comes out of it. Hey, whatever. Everyone needs their fixes. Smallville's new and approchable. I used to be like this about Gundam Wing too. I'm apparently going to see Swimfan on Sunday. It's not supposed to be that good a movie. :P But... I can't help myself. I've finished my Geo, Science, and Math, but I need to do my English and my Family Studies (aka Home Ec. ^_^;;;)

3:38 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

*sings* Found it! Pop Culture by Hope. I knew I would. *grin* -_- Now I have to do my homework. The lack of my doing homework is my internet anti-drug. That would make so much more sense if you went and read Pop Culture.

1:20 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

The milk sniffing one is Corner Of The World. And I desperately need to do my homework. I still haven't found the anti-drug story. Ok, fuck this. I'll find it, and then I'll go straight to my homework. I promise. :P

1:14 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I should be doing my homework now. But I can't help it. Internet is my drug. I need an anti drug. Hahah. I was reading these great Smallville slash fics. Very funny. I'm trying to find it. I seem to have misplaced it. I'm sad now. I also can't find the fic wherein Clark says that Lex sniffing milk is sexy. I thought that it was in CotW, but apparently not. Or, it may be, I'm just not searching hard enough. Aha!!!!!! I found the fic where they talk about the word omnisexual. It's SO funny!! I'm greatly hoping this is the milk sniffing one too. Cause it's so damn funny! Here's the URL. Go read. So funny. Is slash. Smallville slash=yummy goodness

12:34 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

13.9.02

Read it. Cry. This was the end a a long discription of a fic, but truthfully, I think that's all some fics need. I mean, some are just so amazing, that's all you can use to discribe it. I'm thinking Liebestod right now. I'll give the link to that some other time. I haven't read the Smallville fic that has that discription yet, but don't worry, I will.

8:01 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

For everybody out there that's upset at fanfiction.net for planning to take down NC-17 fics, please consider signing this petition. But, please, don't sign over and over again with different names. That's not the point. And if you comment, make them intellectual, well thought out comments. These are the kinds that will actually be listened to.

6:07 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

You know, that Creed song, 'one last breath' i think, it's amazing. I love that song a lot. Also, I changed the desktop cause'a my mood. It's now all jade and DNAngelly.

5:22 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Goddammit. I'm in such a fucking bad mood. I'm such a freak. I did my English homework the day it was assigned, but didn't print it out, in case there was more I wanted to add. Today, it was due, and guess fucking what. I had forgotten to print the assignment out. And it's like, first assignment. Got so fucking pissed off. I hate when I forget things like homework. It's so fucking stupid, and worse when it's done, but not here. Goddamnit. I think I have a phobia of failing. Shit. Bad moody is me. And it's a Friday too. It was last period. I was all hokey dorey in Science class. In fact, I was having a blast, workin with my friends to make up a poem for Scientific Inquiry. It was hilarious. But then comes English and the realisation that I hadn't printed out my homework, and fucking bam. Bad mood hits me, and I'm all crap feeling. At least tonight is Smallville. And oh! because fanfiction.net is taking down all the NC-17 fanfics. Which would piss me off, but I'm not too upset. Smart authors will just change the rating. And, they're taking down all fanfics pertaining to real people (music groups, reality tv shows), and I thought that would mean Smallville fics were going down, but, hey, yay! because it's reality tv shows, and Smallville's fiction, so, Smallville fics are here to stay!! This actually makes me feel better. My t-shirt smells like my 'Sunset Breeze' deodorant. In case anyone cared. :P To continue the paragraph with many topics but no line breaks, my mouse died. A slow and painful death. It was an optics mouse, with a scroll thing and back and forward buttons. It's been freezing lately. So we had to put it out of its misery, and I'm now using an older mouse, one that still has a little wheel/ball thing. *sniff* No optic stuff for me. Smallville rocks. I'm so glad that ffn isn't taking down fictional tv shows. Lisa only reads music groups ones, and those are being taken down. I was worried at first, but not as worried as her, because my main obsession is anime, and GW in particular, and I've got like, a favourites folder full of great fanfics. Good Weiss Kreuz and Gravi ones, is another story. GW is a gigantic fandom. It's kinda scary. I used to think that all fandoms were that large, but they aren't. Not at all. I mean, GW had GWA and a host of other giant archives, and a multitude of fics ranging from famous, amazing authors that wrote them years ago, like Talya Firedancer and Katsu no Miko, and Kwabara, and White Cat, and Kumiko (*sniff*, Shinigami.org is closed) to brand new fanfics that aren't so good. I used to read mixes of both when I first found the fandom, but I'm incredibly selective now. I mean, I used to find a site, and just read all the fics there, but now, I mostly read authors I know are good, or who have been recommended by other good authors/people who have good tastes. Also, with school around and stuff, I simply don't have the time to read and browse fics. I mean, over the summer yeah, I'd do it. I mean, I read MA:ExFam over the summer, and that's like, a giant fic. I mean, M:A is like, 30 something parts, and its sequel, CtC is like, 60. In fact, I wanted to read Lasha Lee's giant arc over again too. I think I may have started it over the summer. I know that I've read the first and second at least 3 times. They're amazingly good. And I read Lilias's Complicated Arc over again. It was good as well. One of the best 1x2xR fics out there. And there aren't many. Good, or out there at all. So yeah, summer's great for that. I still haven't finished Bridlewood. I'm gonna try for finishing this weekend. Stay up tonight and not go to sleep til I finish. I think I'm on pt. 53. I actually think that there are only like, 4 more parts. Woo! Then, to the Smallville fics. I finished Corner Of The World, which a great fanfic. Plot wise it's kind of confusing, and there are too many conflictal areas, but everything resolves really nicely in the end. And character portrayal/development was great. Clark was Cal!!!!!!!!!!!! The ending was so incredibly sweet. But then again, it's the endings that are so conclusionary that make you depressed. Cause you know there's no chance of more stuff, and you get sad, cause a great fic is over. This was a giant ass paragraph.

4:22 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

12.9.02

tie me up
keep me out
bind me to my sorrow
hate me
for all i'm worth
i'll give as good as i get

bind me to your misery
bind me to your pain
bind me for eternity
let me live again
just existing's not enough
if I never feel
give me something, anything
just to make me it real

I don't think either of those are complete. I did them in Geo. My teacher got pissed at me. But not while I was writing them, oh no, but when I was underlining one of my notes. I was very pissed. *glare*

9:39 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ok, for some unknown reason, Iris is just constantly pissing me off right now. Dammit all to hell.

9:32 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Homework done. Yay. And my mouse died. Not good. It was a long and drawn out death. *sniff* Poor mouse. Now I have another one. :P I don't like it as much. Ah well. I was depressed/angry today. Wow. That sounds so stupid. But, yeah, I was in a bad mood. Sorta angry at my friends. Iris. She was pissing me off. Subconsciously, or something like that. Just, I'm way too clingy. And it's all bad. Yeah, me, discriptive. Whatever.

7:58 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

11.9.02

I want new members in Gutter Trash. :P

9:17 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

You know, it's times like these that remind me how unemotional I am. I never cry at tragedy, or, not in real tragedy. I didn't cry at 9.11, I didn't cry when I moved, didn't cry when friends moved, didn't cry when I graduated. Didn't cry, period. Maybe because it was so distant. Here in Canada, it doesn't really seem real. And what bothers me, I mean, I guess it bothers me, is that the things that do make me cry, aren't real. I cry at novels, fanfictions, sometimes movies, but never real life. You know, I think that I don't really acknowledge the fact that I live here, in real life. I think I'm so removed from it all, so wrapped up in my own fantasies, and illusions, real life does nothing for me. But I cried. I cried at 'King Of Shadows', at both the movie and novel version of 'Ever After'. I cried at the fanfic, 'Liebestod'. And yet, nothing, at real life.

8:32 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

It's September 11th. And like I said, the media's totally sensationalized the event. I mean, there are some tributes, like just footage of cerimonies, that I can understand, but when they constantly talk about the terrorist attacks, and replay the footage, well, it's totally unnessessary. It bothers me extremely.

8:06 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

10.9.02

No, wait. Nope. But next week, I'm guessing.

9:06 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I have a new desktop. Again. The Weiss one was buggin' me, cause it was so cluttered. This one's another Kirika one (I think it's spelt right). Yup. Kirika. It's so pretty. Pink, but pretty.

OH MY GOD!!!! I think the Buffy season premiere is on today!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:01 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Jesus. Today's September 10th. And you know what bugs me? How they're making such a big fucking deal about September 11th. I mean, god, I know, we all know, it was a horrible, tragic event, and the families are probably still mourning. But must they play September 11th specials all day, showing the footage of the Twin Towers over and over? How is that going to make things better. If I had a loved one die that day, wouldn't the footage just upset me? Why is the media making it such a fucking big deal?

I just finished taping a song for Vocal. I sware, I sang that song, like, 25 times. Over and over, trying to make it perfect. Actually, I'm pretty happy with it now. I finished all my homework.

I've pretty much finished a new layout for this, Semblance I mean. It's blue. Pretty. Bluuuee.

I'm also watching Buffy. It's the episode before the season finale. Again. I want to watch Smallville. And Alias. And... other stuff. :P I just want good, new tv. Like, not old eps and crap.

My legs hurt. Stupid gym. :P

8:35 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

8.9.02

Zechs is hot.

9:07 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Jenn and Katie's was pretty good. We watched Urban Legend. Again. :P We saw it at Halloween. It's not as scary the second time, when it's not 9 at night and creepy. Did I ever mention that Phil's totally cute? ^_^;;

8:55 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I'm currently checking Gutter Trash, or rather, all the site directories that Gutter Trash is listed to, and checking to see if they have the site right. A lot of them are down or stuff. :P

8:54 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I need to wash my hair today. I don't know if I'm going to Jenn and Katie's. I mean, I heard about it, but they didn't call me. I also don't want to play hopstotch. -_-;;

9:08 a.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ooh ooh! I have a new desktop too. Weiss Kreuz. It's somewhat cluttered though. I downloaded a bunch yesterday too.

9:04 a.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

It's really early now. Well, I guess it's not *that* early, but it's early for a weekend, for me to be up. Specially cause I was up til 2 yesterday. 6 1/2 hours of sleep. I was reading Bridlewood again. On part 40. 13 parts to go.

9:00 a.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

7.9.02

I was thinking about the worst ways to die, cause someone on GWA asked who wanted to be killed violently in a fanfic. And then I was thinking. The worst ways would definately to be buried alive, or to fall a long, long way down, knowing you're gonna go splat. Or being eaten by anything small. Big things'll take out your throat, but smaller ones, they'll chew you and stuff. Hmm, what else? Drowning. Em... bleeding to death by small wounds. Being skinned alive. *twitch* Yeah, definitely that.

I finished Lunatic Cafe. It was good. It had Edward. I love Edward. ^_^;; Ah, Edward. So cool. I've got a thing for the killers. Ripper... Duo... Edward... *sigh* Great love of the cool attitude killers.

Watchin' Buffy right now, it's like, the episode before the season finale. Buffy and Xander don't know Tara's dead yet. Will's already mega evil. She's cool. It was so upsetting though, Tara dying. So sad. *sniff* Now they know.

9:27 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I need a title page for Science too. For all the units. :P

7:45 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

He cried out in pain as the metal was ripped from his flesh. "Stop, please, stop," he cried between sobs.

"Tsk, tsk, so weak," she taunted him. She gripped another strip of metal, laying across his left shoulder blade.

"Don't! Please," he begged, tears of pain streaming down his face.

"Oh, don't cry," she crooned, wiping the tears off with her fingers. She brought the hand to her face, and licked the sweet liquid off. He whimpered. "Are you afraid of me?" she whispered, bringing her face up close to his. He swallowed, but didn't say anything. She frowned, backing off. With an almost neglectful movement, she ripped the metal off his shoulder and listened to him scream.

I made a move towards them, but, after a glance, stayed my place by the stone wall. I would let her have her fun. For now.

"Why are you doing this?" the boy groaned. His skin was covered with raw red marks. Lines of circles and spirals, where the metal had made its pattern.

I've always thought it was an ingenious device. Designed by the very woman wielding it, the chain of metal discs are heated constantly with magic, causing the skin to burn when it was touched by the discs. Like a brand. It took the magic of its creator to wield it, so there was no way that it could be turned against the wielder. Sometimes I fear that she will one day turn against me, and attempt to use the discs on my own body. But for today, she is content with the boy's body as her play ground.

I listened contentedly when the boy screamed, a long, pitiful sound. He was covered in red circles, raw wounds. None of them bled. It was the skill of the Itameru that dictated the blood loss. The more powerful the Itameru, or more bluntly, torturer, the more control they would have over their victim's blood lost. And Sou was the best.

"That was nothing," she promised. "By the time I'm done with you, you'll be in no condition to scream." And then she proceeded to elect scream after ear-piercing scream from him.

As much as I enjoyed the sound, there was more to do. "That's enough Sou," I said. She turned to me, and looked irritated. I gave her a look. She huffed, but put her discs away, hanging them from a short thong hooked onto a leather belt.

"Well, no matter, I'll have some more fun with you yet," she told the boy, releasing his hands from the magic that held him suspended from the metal pole above him. Before he fell to the ground, she caught him in her arms. He whimpered, and tried to get away, but every movement simply caused him more pain. I watched his face tenderly. His eyes did not yet have the glazed look of those broken, Sou was much too good at her work. If I told her they were not to be broken, she would never push them to breaking point. The boy's eyes held fear though, a deep paranoia of the woman carrying him. She was whispering softly to him, and though I couldn't hear the words, I knew what they would be. Words of fear.

"Sou, bring him to my chambers," I told her, heading that way myself. She complied, striding as quickly as possible with the weight in her arms. Though she could use magic to levitate the boy, she preferred personal contact with her victims. She was always intimate in her craft.

Tentively called 'Blood Price', this is what came from that nightmare I had a week ago. Don't know if it'll go anywhere, or if this is all it'll be. But the narrator, not sure if it's gonna be a he or a she, will end up falling in love with one of his/her victims. Something like, the next victim will be so strong of will, that at first he/she hates narrator, but after he/she learns more, he/she begins to care for narrator. Kinda like Beauty And The Beast. And Sou... I dunno what I'm gonna do with her yet. But something'll happen.

7:39 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I've finished my Geo and my Math, but I need to make title pages for French and Math, and tab dividers for Math too. I still need to do my English and my Family Studies. :( So sad.

7:30 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Ack. Homework. It's Saturday, and I need to do it. I finished my Science, but I still have Geo, Math, English, and Family Studies. :P Major ick. I went out and bought 3 more binders today.

3:28 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

5.9.02

shi no uta. Song of death.

Painbringer. Pain Exquisite. Pull of Pain. Paid in Blood. A Taste of Exquisite Pain. Pain And Pleasure. Pleasure in Pain. Exquisite Pleasures. The Pain of Pleasure. Sense Of Pain. I'm just out testing words for a story thing I'm writing.

8:00 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

today we carry each other / today we do what we should / today is the time for forgiving / today I wish I could

6:12 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

*sigh* School means homework. I need to finish my map. Thank god for two day cycles. And the weekend.

There. I just finished my map. I don't have any more homework due tommorow. I'll start on my other work (science) tomorrow. Or the weekend. Or something.

6:09 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

4.9.02

We've had to fill out like, a dozen 'get to know you' 'personal info' 'contact info' sheets today and yesterday, it's not funny. It's so boring and tedious. Jesus. I like my vocal teacher. She's nice. I've got GYM FIRST period, and then vocal music second, and then another hellishly long lunch, and then geography and math. I like our geo teacher, he's nice. Even though we have geo hw. I hate the fact that no matter what grade I'm in, I seem to have to colour maps. It's so tedious. Our math teacher, she seems kinda stuffy, kinda like my old french teacher. *twitch* Didn't like her. The one from gr. 7. Ew. So now I've gone through my entire two day shedule. Exciting eh?

8:08 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Talking to Jeff right now. He's cute. ^_^ We're talking about school and canteloupes. LoL. I was gonna go get ice-cream, but my mom had a plate of canteloupe for me. School's alright. Day two was pretty good, all except for GYM at FIRST period. >:( I think I'm gonna fail gym. :P I hate gym. Definately not a gym person.

8:02 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

3.9.02

A sign, that I have absolutely no life : http://crimsonink.sinfree.net/friends.gif. I did this with spare time, and PSP. And Lisa's picture of the six of us. Yes, that's us. Give you three guesses as to who I am.

9:31 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Deirdre. That's a cool name.

7:57 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

And I just finished creating the *new* new layout to Gutter Trash, featuring Dark Mousy, from DN Angel.

7:49 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

I just put up the new layout to Gutter Trash.

5:59 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

School. First day. It was... alright I guess. It seemed... long, and short. Lunch was so fucking long though. :P First class was good. Family Studies, our teacher's nice. It's basically like home ec. Locker number's 304. Then I had Frech, our teacher there is nice too. There are a ton of ppls I know in French. In FS, I only know Iris and Katie. French has a ton of ppls. Then our hour+1/2 long lunch :P Then science. Which was alright. And English. Both my core gifted classes. I'm not weird, I'm gifted! Classes are so long. And then school ended. Except I got all pissed at my mom, because she was pissed off at me, cause I couldn't find her, and she was late to pick up my brother, and she got me all worried, and running around Crosby trying to find him, and I was all hot and bothered and pissed off. But I'm better now.

5:54 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

2.9.02

I just took a personality disorder test. Quite interesting. This is how I turn out.

Disorder | Rating

Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

I also read up on what they all mean. They're very close to the truth for me. It's slightly scary. Many problems I have.

6:26 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider

Jesus. School starts tomorrow. I'm so freaked out. :S I had a dream last night, and I dreamed that I was going to school, but I was so late, I wasn't even at school when I woke up from the dream. It was so bad. :P I... jesus. I'm worried. And I wanna see if I can plan to meet people somewhere. I saw xXx on Saturday actually. It was really good. *grin* I haven't finished Bridlewood Manor. I'm on pt. 23. :P There's 50-ish parts and counting. *sigh* I figured, it'll take me about 5 hours to get to the end, as of yet. I was in Barrie yesterday. Nothing interesting. I bought socks. ^_^;;

12:03 p.m. // this is my reality \\

divider